Archive 2019

April 20, 2019

I finally feel like I’m getting my life together. Things are going great at work, I’m up for a promotion, and I really am starting to feel like I can handle anything life has to throw at me. My relationship with my husband is stronger than ever, I feel like I’m really doing a good job at being the Mama my girls deserve, and balancing my secret life has never felt easier. Don’t have much to report otherwise. Just off, living my best life, at last.

Later that day…

Okay, maybe I spoke too soon. I obviously jinxed myself with that last diary entry. Isn’t that always how it happens, though? 

Anyway, so a couple of hours after I wrote my earlier entry, Greg and I went out for our weekly date night. It was a beautiful meal in a beautiful restaurant with my wonderful husband. All went great, but when we were on our way home, we were struck by a drunk driver! I wasn’t really worried about being hurt, but I did want to learn more about why my head was pounding, so we went to the hospital to get checked out.

Not long after we got settled into the ER, a nurse came in and informed us that I am pregnant

Maybe that’s why I’ve been in such a great mood lately! Obviously, we are overjoyed and couldn’t have been more surprised by the news, but it does make me wonder what I’m going to do now. Just when I felt like I was getting a hold on my life, we find out I’m pregnant and that just throws another wrench into things.

Like any mom, I just want to be the best I can be for my kids, and for my husband, so I’m trying not to let my anxiety over expanding our family get in the way of this exciting time in our lives, but I also need to figure out how this pregnancy is going to affect my work. 

I’ve wanted a big family for what feels like my whole life, and as much as the thought of coming clean about my life as a secret agent terrifies me, coming clean seems to be the only option now. The last thing I want to do is put my family at risk, but we’ll just have to be smarter than my enemies. I have never felt more strongly that we can overcome any odds.

March 1, 2019

Something’s gotta give. One of these days my entire life is going to fall apart and either my husband is going to leave me, or I’m going to lose my job. I feel like I’m always talking about how balancing it all is so hard, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s just me or if motherhood is like this for every working mom. 

I mean sure, my job is definitely more dangerous than most, but an argument could be made that women who work as police officers, firefighters, and even as engineers are at just as much risk for injury as I am every day. Do they have trouble balancing their lives? They probably don’t have to worry about keeping what they do for a living a secret. I mean, their husbands probably know that they work, first of all. 

I was on assignment in Washington a couple of days ago when I got hurt. My partner and I were chasing a suspect and I swear it was like something out of a movie. We followed this guy up the stairs all the way to the roof and he must have thought he was Spiderman or something because the suspect decided it would be a good idea to jump between rooftops to get away! 

Of course, my partner and I had no choice but to follow him. Thank goodness for spin class because we were, thankfully, able to keep up with this guy. However, in the process, I twisted my ankle pretty badly and I didn’t know what I was going to tell Greg. He didn’t even know I wasn’t home, after all. He did know that my college friend Stasia was in town though, so I told him I got injured in Spokane on a spontaneous girls trip to Arbor Crest Wine Cellars while the twins were in daycare. 

Even though he seemed to believe me, I know I’m lying to him and it kills me. The longer I keep this lie up, the more I want to tell him the truth. My supervisor told me from the start that I had to keep my identity as an agent a secret, but does that really have to apply to my husband? Are my girls going to think I’m just a mediocre stay at home mom who can’t get anything done despite being “home all day?”

I’m starting to feel like it may be best to come clean to Greg and tell him my secret . . . I don’t think he would leave me, and things would be so much easier when I have to leave. The only question that really matters is whether I would be putting him and our girls in danger if I come clean.

February 20, 2019

I just got back from assignment and I’m exhausted. We have been gathering intel on a businessman we suspect to be an international spy, and we’re close to having enough evidence to bring him in before he can report his findings to his home agency. The day we can finally arrest him is going to be a relief, as I’ve been masquerading as one of his business associates at night when the kids are asleep. 

I’ve been dreading this upcoming weekend when I’ll have to bring the twins to a birthday party by myself while Greg is out of town on a business trip himself. When he wanted to open up his own furniture store he just seemed so excited, and I didn’t have the heart to come clean about how I really feel about it. His meetings have gotten longer, and it’s becoming more and more difficult to keep my secrets. 

There was a close encounter a few weeks back when I was supposed to meet with a Dallas car accident lawyer to discuss Greg’s fender bender last month, and ended up missing the appointment due to an important conference meeting. I always think it’s funny when people think being a secret agent is like the movies. 

Honestly, it’s like any other job except my life is actually in danger, like any other law enforcement professional. I’m looking forward to the day that I can come clean to Greg so I don’t have to hide this from him anymore. It’s wearing thin, I’ll admit. But, I also still get that rush of adrenaline when I’m sneaking out at night to go to work, so there is no way I could ever leave my job. 

Anyway, the twins have this birthday party coming up and I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off yet. We’re planning on arresting the international spy on Friday if things go well and the birthday party is, of course, a breakfast themed party. Go figure. Not that the idea isn’t cute, but I guess I do a lot of complaining these days… That’s what they make those five-hour energy shots for, I suppose. I’ll just drink a couple of those bad boys and be on my way. Juggling life as a working mom is certainly a challenge. It isn’t that I don’t love my work, my husband, or my life as a mom, but it’s lonely.

February 14, 2019

All of the lies are killing me.

It used to be easy to compartmentalize and keep my double life hidden. Before I ever got married, before I had Jemme and Josiah, everything made sense. I was able to do my work as a secret agent and maintain a social life with ease. But lately, things have seemed so much harder. With the twins being just two years old and requiring my attention nearly around the clock, finding the time to nurture my career has become increasingly difficult, and it’s putting my family in danger. 

It used to be that I could look in the mirror and see Natalie Berlusconi, the secret agent, all the time. I was always put together and ready for my next assignment. Greg knows I work for the government, and that what I actually do is so confidential, even he can’t know what my work entails. If he only knew what was expected of me.

I’d love to be able to get it off my chest here in my online journal, but if my domain isn’t hidden well enough, it’s possible that the enemy could discover who I really am and blow my cover, destroying our operation.

I just couldn’t keep everything inside anymore. I have to be able to tell someone, even if it’s just myself, what goes on every day. I need to keep my sanity for my kids. Today was especially hard, as it was Valentine’s Day.

The kid’s daycare exchanged Valentines, even though the kids in Jemme and Josiah’s class are all under three. That meant I had to bake, which wouldn’t have been as much of an issue if I already had all of the ingredients for the sugar cookies Greg signed us up for at pickup last week.

The kids only go to daycare for a couple of hours in the afternoon so I  get some “me” time, or so Greg thinks. Usually that time of day involves me hopping on a private jet to the Pentagon and gathering necessary intel. Today was no different. We had a meeting to discuss who was going to take over for Liam, my supervisor, who committed suicide out of nowhere the night before. He always seemed so happy . . . though,I guess these days, that isn’t really a sign of someone being mentally stable. 

Anyways, after the meeting, my mind felt heavy, dizzy almost. I was being considered for the position. I know I should be happy at the thought of a promotion, and I am, but I worry about how it will impact my marriage and my ability to be a good mother to my kids. I didn’t even remember to get Greg a Valentine’s Day card for goodness sake. 

As I write this, he lays sleeping next to me, unaware of just how dangerous my life is. There goes my pager- more to come.