All posts by Aubrey Miller

October 13, 2019

Still on desk duty and working from home. There is really nothing exciting to report work-wise. But things have been getting pretty rough here at home. So much so, that I’ve considered reaching out to a Rancho Cucamonga divorce attorney and ending my marriage to Greg. 

I know I’m 8 months pregnant and we have two little girls together, but this man is driving me insane and I don’t know if we are actually supposed to be together anymore. Now that he knows I’ve been working as a secret agent but have been put on desk duty, he throws it in my face constantly.

Before he knew I was working, he thought I was a stay-at-home mom. But now, suddenly there is a problem with the fact that I’m working, but from home? I still only work at night after my girls go to bed because they’re too young to know what their mommy does for a living.

But when I’m working, Greg will come into my office and pick a fight about literally anything and everything under the moon. Oh, I didn’t do the dishes before I sat down to work, what about his work shirt, did I pick it up from the dry cleaner? Like honey, you’re a fully-capable adult, go get your own dry cleaning. 

I think he may be feeling a little inferior given the nature of my work and learning how much money I make. Suddenly, he wants separate bank accounts, and we haven’t been sleeping together in bed for almost a month now. 

I know I should give it some time, and give him some time to adjust to what I do for a living, but being around him has just been so unbearable lately. I wonder though, how I would still be able to work and take care of my kids if we did divorce. That nagging thought is in the back of my head constantly. 

But it’s also not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. I don’t want all of this arguing to continue on and have an impact on that bonding time I’ll have with my new baby. The last thing the baby needs is to be brought into the world to parents arguing nonstop. 

The clock is ticking until my due date at the end of November, and I am giving it a couple more weeks to decide where this marriage will go from here.

September 4, 2019

Now that I’m stuck on desk duty things are a little quieter over here. I’m working from home these days, which is a blessing and a curse. I know I’m pregnant and should be taking things easy, but there was always so much excitement when I was getting out there and working in the field. That adrenaline rush is part of why I decided to be a secret agent.

But working from home does have its perks. A lot of what I’m doing is internet research for the home office. So, basically that means I’m online all day looking for dirt that I can dig up about international spies, criminals, and other people we are tracking.

I can find pretty much anything on the internet, with the exception of this FINRA expungement lawyer we were trying to protect. That guy was squeaky clean, I mean I was able to dig up no dirt on that guy. But everyone else I’ve ever had to do research on, I’ve found some pretty juicy gossip.

Like this one CEO in New York. I got ahold of his financial records and discovered that not only was he embezzling money from the company, but he was using the money he embezzled to pay for lavish vacations, jewelry, cars, and meals for the woman he was having a secret affair with. 

Another time, I found out that an international spy was working in our home office as a janitor. You’d think we would have vetted our own staff, but I only figured it out when I noticed that their hiring documents didn’t have the same signature on them. 

However, nothing could have prepared me for what I found out today.

I was checking our joint checking account when I noticed a couple of transactions that didn’t make any sense. It seemed as though some money was being transferred out of our account and into an offshore account. Now, I never once thought that Greg was being disloyal, but I know I didn’t make those transactions. So unless our bank account has been hacked, Greg has an offshore account that he just transferred money into last week. 

I haven’t brought it up to him yet because I’m seething with rage. I mean, I lied to him about my career from the very start, but hiding money is a whole other ball game. I can’t help but wonder what’s going on. But before I confront him, I’m going to get to the bottom of this. 

August 15, 2019

I made a huge mistake at work last week. Now that I’m almost six months pregnant, it’s nearly impossible to hide the fact that I’m pregnant. I’ve been feeling really great about work over the last few months, especially since I finally let the cat out of the bag with Greg. Of course, the girls don’t know that I’m working as a secret agent when they’re in bed at night, but I figure they don’t need to know for years, if ever. 

The balance between my home and work life had been perfect. I was really killing it on my assignments, taking down the bad guys, getting those adrenaline rushes I needed. . . but all that changed last week. Greg got hurt at work and was supposed to put in a call to an Indianapolis workers comp lawyer to see about getting benefits, but before he had the chance to, I was called away on an assignment. 

Well. . . they were trying to reach me, anyway. I saw my supervisor’s number on my caller ID and knew I was going to be getting another assignment. But with Greg’s injury, he was going to need me now more than ever, at least until he was able to recover from his injuries. So, I told a little white lie. I told my boss that the girls were sick and that Greg was away at work so I wouldn’t be able to take this one on. 

He didn’t like that and I didn’t like the fact that it was starting to seem like having a family meant I couldn’t have a job. So I told him I would hire a babysitter and be in a couple of hours later. I ended up getting my mother to come over and hang out with the girls and Greg and told her I would be back in a couple of days and I was going on a girl’s trip before the new baby comes.

This web of lies was already getting to be too much for me to handle

When I went into the office, my supervisor called me in and immediately confronted me about lying to him. I obviously at that point came clean, but what else was I supposed to do? Being a woman in the secret agent industry can be a lot more complicated than this old man realizes.

Anyway, he was so upset I lied that he put me on paid administrative leave. I can’t help but wonder if he just realized I was pregnant and wants to keep me off assignments until the baby gets here, but he said after two weeks I would be able to start working again doing admin work from home for the next six months. He said maybe I would learn not to lie to “your superiors.” 

I’m livid and relieved all at the same time.

June 14, 2019

Today was so much less about my husband, children, pregnancy ,and family stuff and far more about my work. Now that I don’t have to hide my life as a secret agent from him, I’m able to put more of my attention on my work. My boss knows I’m expecting, but I wasn’t going to let him put me behind a desk for the rest of my pregnancy. My work may be dangerous at times, but I’m still a professional.

We were tasked with keeping a client of a Denver car accident lawyer safe after our intelligence picked up some information that said he was at risk. The boss doesn’t give us all the information, just a quick briefing. I did find it odd, however, that this civilian was all of sudden given priority attention, when we normally are focused more on keeping politicians, celebrities, and large groups of innocent people safe.

But my partner and I spent most of the day acting more like undercover detectives than secret agents. We tailed the guy everywhere he went. Nothing spectacular at first. A quick cup of coffee downtown, spent most of the day in court, then went home to his family. Pretty regular stuff. But we did spot someone else tailing him as well. 

Our central intelligence told us that the man following our civilian was targeting him as a hit, but had the wrong guy. The hitman was originally hired by a woman who wanted her husband dead after he cheated on her, but the hitman following this client was targeting the wrong husband. CI told us that the hitman was probably confused because the civilian has a twin brother he knows nothing about. One was involved in this accident that gained some coverage and hence the confusion.

Our job was to prevent the hitman from taking the civilian out without the civilian ever having known what was going on. It’s a good thing we were there keeping an eye on things all day or we might not have spotted the hitman in the first place. My partner and I waited for him to make his move and enter the residence.

As he made his way to the door, I got out a poison dart gun, a weapon we only use when we need to complete a task in silence, and shot the hitman in the neck with the poison dart as he approached the civilian’s bedroom window. He went down silently, and my partner and I had the pleasure of dragging him to our van and bringing him back to headquarters where he will await a trial for his crimes. CI tells us the hitman had quite a record—32 kills over the last 10 years. 

Now that I’m finally home at 3 am though, all I’m thinking about is the morning, when I can snuggle my husband and my girls, and spend a day relaxing with my family. 

April 20, 2019

I finally feel like I’m getting my life together. Things are going great at work, I’m up for a promotion, and I really am starting to feel like I can handle anything life has to throw at me. My relationship with my husband is stronger than ever, I feel like I’m really doing a good job at being the Mama my girls deserve, and balancing my secret life has never felt easier. Don’t have much to report otherwise. Just off, living my best life, at last.

Later that day…

Okay, maybe I spoke too soon. I obviously jinxed myself with that last diary entry. Isn’t that always how it happens, though? 

Anyway, so a couple of hours after I wrote my earlier entry, Greg and I went out for our weekly date night. It was a beautiful meal in a beautiful restaurant with my wonderful husband. All went great, but when we were on our way home, we were struck by a drunk driver! I wasn’t really worried about being hurt, but I did want to learn more about why my head was pounding, so we went to the hospital to get checked out.

Not long after we got settled into the ER, a nurse came in and informed us that I am pregnant

Maybe that’s why I’ve been in such a great mood lately! Obviously, we are overjoyed and couldn’t have been more surprised by the news, but it does make me wonder what I’m going to do now. Just when I felt like I was getting a hold on my life, we find out I’m pregnant and that just throws another wrench into things.

Like any mom, I just want to be the best I can be for my kids, and for my husband, so I’m trying not to let my anxiety over expanding our family get in the way of this exciting time in our lives, but I also need to figure out how this pregnancy is going to affect my work. 

I’ve wanted a big family for what feels like my whole life, and as much as the thought of coming clean about my life as a secret agent terrifies me, coming clean seems to be the only option now. The last thing I want to do is put my family at risk, but we’ll just have to be smarter than my enemies. I have never felt more strongly that we can overcome any odds.

March 1, 2019

Something’s gotta give. One of these days my entire life is going to fall apart and either my husband is going to leave me, or I’m going to lose my job. I feel like I’m always talking about how balancing it all is so hard, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s just me or if motherhood is like this for every working mom. 

I mean sure, my job is definitely more dangerous than most, but an argument could be made that women who work as police officers, firefighters, and even as engineers are at just as much risk for injury as I am every day. Do they have trouble balancing their lives? They probably don’t have to worry about keeping what they do for a living a secret. I mean, their husbands probably know that they work, first of all. 

I was on assignment in Washington a couple of days ago when I got hurt. My partner and I were chasing a suspect and I swear it was like something out of a movie. We followed this guy up the stairs all the way to the roof and he must have thought he was Spiderman or something because the suspect decided it would be a good idea to jump between rooftops to get away! 

Of course, my partner and I had no choice but to follow him. Thank goodness for spin class because we were, thankfully, able to keep up with this guy. However, in the process, I twisted my ankle pretty badly and I didn’t know what I was going to tell Greg. He didn’t even know I wasn’t home, after all. He did know that my college friend Stasia was in town though, so I told him I got injured in Spokane on a spontaneous girls trip to Arbor Crest Wine Cellars while the twins were in daycare. 

Even though he seemed to believe me, I know I’m lying to him and it kills me. The longer I keep this lie up, the more I want to tell him the truth. My supervisor told me from the start that I had to keep my identity as an agent a secret, but does that really have to apply to my husband? Are my girls going to think I’m just a mediocre stay at home mom who can’t get anything done despite being “home all day?”

I’m starting to feel like it may be best to come clean to Greg and tell him my secret . . . I don’t think he would leave me, and things would be so much easier when I have to leave. The only question that really matters is whether I would be putting him and our girls in danger if I come clean.

February 20, 2019

I just got back from assignment and I’m exhausted. We have been gathering intel on a businessman we suspect to be an international spy, and we’re close to having enough evidence to bring him in before he can report his findings to his home agency. The day we can finally arrest him is going to be a relief, as I’ve been masquerading as one of his business associates at night when the kids are asleep. 

I’ve been dreading this upcoming weekend when I’ll have to bring the twins to a birthday party by myself while Greg is out of town on a business trip himself. When he wanted to open up his own furniture store he just seemed so excited, and I didn’t have the heart to come clean about how I really feel about it. His meetings have gotten longer, and it’s becoming more and more difficult to keep my secrets. 

There was a close encounter a few weeks back when I was supposed to meet with a Dallas car accident lawyer to discuss Greg’s fender bender last month, and ended up missing the appointment due to an important conference meeting. I always think it’s funny when people think being a secret agent is like the movies. 

Honestly, it’s like any other job except my life is actually in danger, like any other law enforcement professional. I’m looking forward to the day that I can come clean to Greg so I don’t have to hide this from him anymore. It’s wearing thin, I’ll admit. But, I also still get that rush of adrenaline when I’m sneaking out at night to go to work, so there is no way I could ever leave my job. 

Anyway, the twins have this birthday party coming up and I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off yet. We’re planning on arresting the international spy on Friday if things go well and the birthday party is, of course, a breakfast themed party. Go figure. Not that the idea isn’t cute, but I guess I do a lot of complaining these days… That’s what they make those five-hour energy shots for, I suppose. I’ll just drink a couple of those bad boys and be on my way. Juggling life as a working mom is certainly a challenge. It isn’t that I don’t love my work, my husband, or my life as a mom, but it’s lonely.

February 14, 2019

All of the lies are killing me.

It used to be easy to compartmentalize and keep my double life hidden. Before I ever got married, before I had Jemme and Josiah, everything made sense. I was able to do my work as a secret agent and maintain a social life with ease. But lately, things have seemed so much harder. With the twins being just two years old and requiring my attention nearly around the clock, finding the time to nurture my career has become increasingly difficult, and it’s putting my family in danger. 

It used to be that I could look in the mirror and see Natalie Berlusconi, the secret agent, all the time. I was always put together and ready for my next assignment. Greg knows I work for the government, and that what I actually do is so confidential, even he can’t know what my work entails. If he only knew what was expected of me.

I’d love to be able to get it off my chest here in my online journal, but if my domain isn’t hidden well enough, it’s possible that the enemy could discover who I really am and blow my cover, destroying our operation.

I just couldn’t keep everything inside anymore. I have to be able to tell someone, even if it’s just myself, what goes on every day. I need to keep my sanity for my kids. Today was especially hard, as it was Valentine’s Day.

The kid’s daycare exchanged Valentines, even though the kids in Jemme and Josiah’s class are all under three. That meant I had to bake, which wouldn’t have been as much of an issue if I already had all of the ingredients for the sugar cookies Greg signed us up for at pickup last week.

The kids only go to daycare for a couple of hours in the afternoon so I  get some “me” time, or so Greg thinks. Usually that time of day involves me hopping on a private jet to the Pentagon and gathering necessary intel. Today was no different. We had a meeting to discuss who was going to take over for Liam, my supervisor, who committed suicide out of nowhere the night before. He always seemed so happy . . . though,I guess these days, that isn’t really a sign of someone being mentally stable. 

Anyways, after the meeting, my mind felt heavy, dizzy almost. I was being considered for the position. I know I should be happy at the thought of a promotion, and I am, but I worry about how it will impact my marriage and my ability to be a good mother to my kids. I didn’t even remember to get Greg a Valentine’s Day card for goodness sake. 

As I write this, he lays sleeping next to me, unaware of just how dangerous my life is. There goes my pager- more to come.