February 14, 2019

February 14, 2019

All of the lies are killing me.

It used to be easy to compartmentalize and keep my double life hidden. Before I ever got married, before I had Jemme and Josiah, everything made sense. I was able to do my work as a secret agent and maintain a social life with ease. But lately, things have seemed so much harder. With the twins being just two years old and requiring my attention nearly around the clock, finding the time to nurture my career has become increasingly difficult, and it’s putting my family in danger. 

It used to be that I could look in the mirror and see Natalie Berlusconi, the secret agent, all the time. I was always put together and ready for my next assignment. Greg knows I work for the government, and that what I actually do is so confidential, even he can’t know what my work entails. If he only knew what was expected of me.

I’d love to be able to get it off my chest here in my online journal, but if my domain isn’t hidden well enough, it’s possible that the enemy could discover who I really am and blow my cover, destroying our operation.

I just couldn’t keep everything inside anymore. I have to be able to tell someone, even if it’s just myself, what goes on every day. I need to keep my sanity for my kids. Today was especially hard, as it was Valentine’s Day.

The kid’s daycare exchanged Valentines, even though the kids in Jemme and Josiah’s class are all under three. That meant I had to bake, which wouldn’t have been as much of an issue if I already had all of the ingredients for the sugar cookies Greg signed us up for at pickup last week.

The kids only go to daycare for a couple of hours in the afternoon so I  get some “me” time, or so Greg thinks. Usually that time of day involves me hopping on a private jet to the Pentagon and gathering necessary intel. Today was no different. We had a meeting to discuss who was going to take over for Liam, my supervisor, who committed suicide out of nowhere the night before. He always seemed so happy . . . though,I guess these days, that isn’t really a sign of someone being mentally stable. 

Anyways, after the meeting, my mind felt heavy, dizzy almost. I was being considered for the position. I know I should be happy at the thought of a promotion, and I am, but I worry about how it will impact my marriage and my ability to be a good mother to my kids. I didn’t even remember to get Greg a Valentine’s Day card for goodness sake. 

As I write this, he lays sleeping next to me, unaware of just how dangerous my life is. There goes my pager- more to come.

Aubrey Miller

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